A Testimony - Living With LifeLong Disabilities & Experiencing the Discrimination Towards People With Disabilities

Beyond Salvation - Before & After - Living With Lifelong Disabilities

[ latest site update 11-09-06 ]

Living With Numerous Lifelong Disabilities - Before & After Salvation and Ordination

A few Years ago, after having spent 50 years in this mortal life and 30 years as a Christian and an Ordained Minister, I finally came to terms with and fully acknowledged that I have been living with numerous lifelong disabilities all the while being in denial of the facts and effects of them. To me this proves the Lord Jesus the Christ in my life even more than ever before, as He has been so successful with the program He has had me under since I met Him. There almost aren't enough pages to describe all of the areas of His Lordship and transforming power in my entire being, spirit, soul, heart, mind, and body, as well as marriage, children, ministry, and so forth. This "other side" of my personal story and testimony is also available to view on my Ministry Website  www.lifebuilders.mysite.com  or for more info. e-mail me at LifeBuildersMinistry@juno.com or WillHarrisonJr@faithwriters.net   

Keep in mind that I’m writing about these things not simply to provoke sympathy or even empathy, but to “testify”, much as a witness would do, to the facts of how my God, my Creator, My Lord and Savior, even my Heavenly sustainer, has helped me while I have lived with these things and has experientially shown me how to live “above and beyond” them, in Him. This is also not a treatise to applauding the “sprit of man”, or the amazing heart of someone in living “with” these challenges. There was a time when I tried digging deep down inside of me to “the power within” and what I found could not even hold a candle to the amount and type of “power” available to me from my Heavenly Father through the Holy Spirit of God. And I most certainly do not have a craving to demonstrate how I am able and willing to “make my own decisions” and rely on my “self”. I’m no longer a self-worshipper as I used to be and as most people are. [ besides, God is the person with the true authorization to give me help and to decide exactly how to deal with these challenges. My story is not simply about Me, My-Self, and I. There are a million of those stories out there and I do not want my included.

The “disabilities” I have lived with since I became a Christian, that were there before as well, aren’t even disabling conditions to me anymore, in the way that they once were.  That is, because who I am today is found in my Spiritual Life in Christ Jesus and not in the triune collective of the soul and body as well. If my body were to cease to function right now, releasing my spirit to go to the Father of Spirits, and releasing my soul to go with my body until the resurrection of all born again peoples of God, any and all disabilities of any kind, period, would be no more with me. They are not allowed in Heaven or anywhere with the Lord of all.

But yes, because today I am still a triune being, as I was born on this earth, and my spirit, soul, and body are still one, and my new spirit man in Christ Jesus is still on the early end of the growth chart, I am still “affected” in many ways by these “disabilities”. But they no longer have the same clout, and rule, and influence over who I am, as they did before. I now have a higher power and authority in charge of all my “affairs” and, as to the extent I am allowing my God to rule [dependant on where I am in my growth in Him] directly determines His ability to help me and my ability to benefit from His help. These defects and dysfunctions I was both born with and acquired during my life were never extremely mild and just simply an irritation. Although that is an arguable point. Some of them at certain times were a very powerful distraction and interference with my ability to live a reasonably level life. But, keep in mind also, people like me, because of never having been as others might deem “normal” or stable, have a difficult time even knowing how close we are to that spot or of course, how far away. There have even been times in my life, including in very recent years, when I had what I think was nearly a “normal” stable day and I became so suspicious and wary, that I couldn’t enjoy much of it. It was even incredibly difficult to believe it could happen to me. Plus, I hadn’t realized just how widespread and deeply ingrained these challenges can be to where they would have that affect on me.

Obviously to me that is why I have to spend a lot of my time “checking with” the Spirit of God, and His inspiration, direction, governance, etc. as to how to deal with these things and the effect that they can have on me.

The seemingly inseparable part of our beings, of our spirit, soul, and body, is not something that we can grasp fully with the level of understanding not only that our creator has, but on the level that would help us do as good a job as he can, but without him. We are just too complex. Thank God for that.

When I was very young and in elementary school I distinctly remember a lot of conversation between my parents and the school and the doctors about me having a problem with attention, focus, concentration, memory, and overall, “learning”. I also had a speech problem that at one point had me placed with a speech therapy type teacher until I was about eight or nine. But back in the fifties, when all of this was taking place, our society did not have the grasp that they do today on what they now call ADHD, or ADD. I’m not exactly sure where I was seen but I had less of a problem with “bouncing off the walls” or getting to sleep, etc. than I did with mood swings, retention and recollection, attention, or getting seemingly “bored” easily. Because of an apparent learning disability I never did well in school even in the basics. Yet when someone was able and/or willing to take the time, I did well with certain things, after a long period of time. Even when in High School and I decided to take the advice of an English teacher and “read” the dictionary, which I found worked well, I still had to apply myself and study way harder and longer than anyone else just to get a D or a C grade. It wasn’t really an inability to “learn” but a definite lack of interest if something was being presented to me, [even if it was interesting] and they went too fast in covering the material. I was constantly being told I was just being lazy.

I also was told, and I actually remember this to be the case, that I had an amazing knack for art and music at even a preschool age. I was able to draw things, even almost in true perspective fashion and even sometimes after having only seen something once or twice. It was a gift for form and symmetry more than understanding color. I was also told I was playing amazingly well on bongos at a pre-school age and even as the years went by I clearly had an “ear” for music and good tone and could hum and/or sing a song almost exactly after having heard it only once or twice. But again, this was the nineteen fifties and people like me weren’t properly understood or dealt with properly either, especially if you were poor.

My mood swings and lack of control were a big issue. My Dad especially was able to tell that something wasn’t as it should be, and at the time I was much too young to have a lot of “bad experiences” in my past to have that be a large cause. I did have a bad accident when I was about two or three, that even required surgery, and I was told that since that even I became more withdrawn and private and moody. I also began to have a problem, as I remember my parents being told, with my growth and development as a child. My parents fought with each other literally continuously ever since anyone can remember and that also can and will have a negative effect on a child’s development and school and personal life. I just seemed to be way too sensitive and emotionally and physically fragile and sensitive, and that frustrated my Dad constantly. Plus I seem to remember having been sexually molested numerous times even before I began school and on after that. Again I mention all of these things in part, to make you aware of what happened to me and what affected me and what I had to deal with. But as many of you know, many of these challenges can be buried and suppressed quite successfully, even as a very young person, and either never dealt with correctly or allowed to rule a persons life on an incredible level. Who really knows to what extent that being the case.

Let me add here that many question why a person isn’t automatically and/or instantly healed of these kinds of things when they become a born again Christian? Seeing as how they now are all “owned” by the new owner and made subservient to His rule and authority. Without a long theological dissertation here this much I do know. That when a person becomes the personal property of God as their new Father, He wants so very badly to demonstrate and display to all of creation that in spite of what seems to be going against a person from the start, when they allow God to be their God and their Lord, and Savior, and everything else he is willing and able to be, that He can govern that persons life in such a way so that these challenges do not define the person nor determine their destiny. As T.D. Jakes once said, “don’t let your History determine your destiny”. He didn’t mean that as though it is up to the individual to affect the necessary changes, etc. in order to become “free” and entangled, but it is up to the individual to take the necessary steps to insure that the Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit are allowed to make whatever needs to happen, happen. Now I know as I said earlier that there are a great many people who want to “show and tell” what they have done to “help themselves” but that won’t last too far beyond their last day on earth. Whereas my testimony is that my God alone has done what needed to be done and a far and above better job than I could have ever done, [and that story may be told forever].

There are just way too many people, including born again Christians, who almost instinctively and automatically, and maybe even unintentionally, to believe that a person with so many problems such as me, should just be resigned to live out their days in difficulty and maybe show us all how it’s done. I haven’t been “inspired”, shall we say, by the Holy Spirit, to do that. My heavenly direction has been to properly get all the help I can get from my God and to allow him to use my life to testify” to others and demonstrate his all sufficient power to wonderfully “rule” someone’s life and to show that person how to not allow their difficulties to do so. Obviously to inspire others. I recently heard speak and saw the “living testimony” of a preacher who has cerebral palsy “get the job done”, as they say. And you can tell in his preaching that he is not trying to demonstrate to anyone his own strength of spirit or heart in doing as he does. He also is clearly demonstrating that it is God alone that is “doing it”. You’d just have to see and hear him.

Just briefly at this juncture I want to add that on top of the ADD Attention Deficit Disorder I also displayed a strong set of OCD characteristics. This of course being Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I knew while growing up that I had these particularly peculiar behavior traits but what I didn’t know was that they were usually considered a likely part of this disorder. Now in recent years while trying to get a good handle on what all of these things are that I had been dealing with all my life, in part to help me see where God was moving and to tell others about His involvement, I have come to the understanding that a precise diagnoses and assessment of either OCD or ADD or even the other one, Clinical Depression and Anxiety Disorder, is very difficult at best in a great many people. This is partly due to the fact that so many of the characteristics and symptoms are what they sometimes refer to as “overlapping” or “shared”. I have certainly come to that realization in my own observations of myself in the light of these things. Also I have been told by my doctors that I exhibit PTSD [ Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ] about certain events and circumstances in my childhood and even a small portion of my adult life. This is a condition that really came to the forefront during and after the Vietnam War. Previously it had been referred to, in some cases, as Combat Fatigue. But not much was known about it all nor how and what to do about it. My Dad was one of those who suffered from that from WWII and did not realize it. He suffered terribly all his life till he passed away.Our Mom suffered greatly as a direct result of his condition as did me and my siblings. And likewise, trying to treat and effectively understand these various conditions, syndromes, disorders, dysfunctions, etc. is equally as hard. Not because of my unusual case, but in most cases. The only thing that can make many of us feel fairly comfortable with the treatments and results offered is only because the practitioners of these treatments and medicines simply know more than most of us about all of these things, yet not enough to stop “practicing medicine” on us and get right down to some serious help. They’ll even tell you themselves that when they hit a base hit in someone’s treatment and the person even makes it to third base, they were probably at least lucky and at best guilty of a highly educated guess.

But, be that as it may, I trust in the Lord, overall, and not just these peoples so called “refined” conclusions about my past, present and future health. We need these Medical Practitioners and they are ordered of the Lord. Not only for the "lost" but also for Born Again Christians. I even go so far as to believe [ faith ] that my God, my Creator, will enhance the various Doctor’s understandings in order to more accurately help me. Especially if I am lacking in the proper type and amount of believing “faith” to get a full miracle of healing. Stop feeling down on yourself my friend if you are in that same boat as I just described. You’re no less valuable and precious to God because you can’t keep your head on straight, no matter what the numerous faithticians [my vocabulary] try to get you to believe. And I know because I’m technically one of them. Yes without faith it is impossible to please God but that does not simply mean as it is refers to divine healings and miracles. It also applies to literally dozens if not more, different areas and aspects of our lives and beings. I would venture to say, without even knowing you personally, that you are walking in and demonstrating way more faith than you have ever realized.

Stay tuned in - more to come soon